After an entire life of creating methods to protect myself from the possible heartache love has to offer (albeit immature methods for an underdeveloped heart), I have almost blissfully tripped into this notion about love, and letting it in…all the way in. I will admit, this concept makes me a bit panicky.
I am working under the impression that, so far, sadly, I have not been involved with THE person. I have not met THE love of my life. Therefore, I’m thinking, the real me has yet to show up. She is reserved for THE one and only. And at this point, I am sure I will know him when I meet him. That’s what you all have, right?? One true love? The man or the woman with whom you simply can’t live without? The person that makes everything feel right?
…which is why I remain single. So here’s the thing, here’s the notion…as my mother always says:
you are who you attract.
When I find myself in relationships that aren’t full of love, full of that thing that makes all of you swoon…full of that deep, soulful, respectful, somewhat desperate, all the way consumed love, than what am I contributing, or not contributing to be a part of such a caveat of disconnect? Why have I yet to find THE one?
This is what i got: Possibly and very likely having something to do with me hiding the real me.
Through my own journey of dating, marriage, divorce, dating again… I have become aware that I have willingly kept myself guarded within each relationship. Even my marriage. Guarded, and usually with one foot out the door. I owe several men apologies for my posture in this whirlwind of my locked down heart…I usually went after the unavailable and ran from the willing. Either formula created the same required arms length distance from the fire that I feared would ultimately harm.
So, it would lend itself to the notion, that WHEN that one true love shows up…I’ll know him already in some hopelessly romantic kind of way, and THE very best version of me, who has thus far been under wraps, will simply rise.
As he arrives, so will she.
I can let down the walls. The beautifully constructed, strong as shit, walls that dutifully, year after long year have stood taller and stronger and meaner and tougher than any of the assumed violators trying, some harder than others, to break me.
So far I’ve been correct guarding myself against some, they were as lost or manipulative, or as guarded as me. I’m glad some got away, just as I’m glad that I got away from some…remember, you are who you attract.
Maybe this is where the cowboy rides away…and maybe this is the leading lady’s grand bow as the curtains fall and the roses are thrown from the crowd, a metaphoric farewell to the fortress around my heart…the scattering of the scared as the defenses are no more and the walls are gone.
And left standing, is the most loving, most beautiful, funniest, most honest, most unguarded version of me. Waiting for no one.
Present for THE one.
I am here.
I am who I attract.
If I want the real thing, I gotta be the real thing first…one torn down wall at a time.
And voila, the best me has arrived.